Sometimes i really dont understand what is wrong with me. I hate how all these things in my life were not my choice and they have severly changed me for the good and for the bad. I really just wish i didnt have anxiety and depression, it just makes my life so much more complicated. I over think everything, i look into things too much and get hurt all the time. People dont even mean to always hurt me but they just do it unknowingly. I just hate how i cant stop crying. I just feel like such shit i dont know what to do to feel better, crying isnt helping either. I need a new doctor like asap, i cant deal with these feelings anymore. I just seem to cry over everything, things i shouldnt be so upset about. i dont know, i just really want to skip to tomorrow night, that way i can be with steve. i just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is all right. I guess thats not happening tonight… for i will be alone in my single dorm, which is depressing enough at times. i just want a break from life; no work. no school. nothing to worry about. no bills. nothing just pure happiness. 

i have decided i am way to over obessed with my boyfriend. I just want to be with him all the time… well not that school has started again at least every other day. Currently that is not happening because he is sick… How do i love someone this much that i want to be with them. it scares me though, what is gonna happen when that one day comes that there is no more “us” (knock on wood). I know i survived without him and i can again but i will be so heart broken after it at first i already get upset thinking about it. 

Also, why do i miss my cat so much. i am way to over obsessed with her also. I miss her more then i miss debby or michelle, or most people for that fact. She just makes me so happy all the time, no matter how i feel. On bad days when i feel so shitty i just go home to cuddle with her for a little while. I really could have used that this week but debby dosent trust me. AND she left me here in new jersey, even though im in school, which i think she planned on purpose and went to florida. Really?! no one even told me till days before…then they never clued me on that debby was going. like wtfff idc if it was only thursday till tuesday. i wanted to go… I really never feel like part of their family any more…i guess most of that is my own fault for the things i have been doing…

I just want to be young, experience things. i do go to college full time, have decent grades and work. why cant i just be a little reckless???